he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
