I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
