when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
