So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
