I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
