I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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