I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
