im so drunk with asians
where?
always
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
