she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Boobs speak an international language.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i think my cat just said my name.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
