I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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