2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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