I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
