It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
