she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
