A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am available for nakedness
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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