I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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