she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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