I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
