I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
