I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
