My boss' voice literally gives me gas
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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