I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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