You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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