Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
