last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
