I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
