wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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