Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize