I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
