i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
