we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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