8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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