apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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