please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
