did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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