Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think my moral compass just broke
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
