Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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