Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
