I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
