apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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