the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
