I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
