I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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