thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
