You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
