Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize