sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
