Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
