Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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