he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
