just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
