If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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