The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
