Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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