i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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